So I’m at the point of my life where I just feel hopeless and just sad. I wake up every morning thinking what is the point of waking up? Why can’t I just stay asleep forever? So yes I’ve had a pretty good year so far, I have an amazing boyfriend, an awesome bestfriend and cool friends but I feel life is pointless. I’ve been smoking weed alot, and I mean ALOT! I love smoking but its came to the point where I know now the side effects. When I stop smoking for periods of time my depression hits harder than it has ever before, so does my suicidal thoughts, my internal well being just wants to give up. I feel emotionally and mentally drained and I’m not happy anymore. I feel trapped in a box and I don’t know who I am anymore, and I try and try to figure out who I am but I’m just lost, so lost, I don’t think I can ever find myself ever again. You may think I’m typing this shit and I’ll be fine but as I write this I feel like I’m not okay, this time its serious not just me blabbering on. Music used to save my life at these moments, I would blast Lady Gaga in my ears and feel instantly better but where is she?! WHERE IS SHE!!! Its like she vanished and that whole 6-7 years of my life was a dream. I feel abandoned, not myself. On top of that my past just haunts me more and more each and everyday, especially now that my ex a.k.a my first love is married and I just think to myself “Why him? Why does everyone else get to be happy and live an extraordinary life while I sit in the background, still hurt, still upset, still full of pain inside? I’ve had my share of unbelievable worst shit in my life, I’ve been raped, bullied, hurt on so many levels but I never get my chance at an extraordinary life?” Its bullshit really, I’ve came way toooooo far in life and yet things don’t go my way, ok sure I was a spoiled kid from my family but ever since I came out they treat me like shit, I rather be loved by my family than have everything in the world. I was really happy, especially because my boyfriend is amazing but why am I feeling so worthless? WHY! He’s going through the same thing as well, hes changing and Idk if its affecting the relationship but its definitely affecting me, he’s so angry all the time and his anxiety makes things worse and I’m scared. When he’s like this I can’t help but feel like that too, life is miserable right now and I just wish or hope for a solution for something to help me back up before I just finally give up.