So I’m at the point of my life where I just feel hopeless and just sad. I wake up every morning thinking what is the point of waking up? Why can’t I just stay asleep forever? So yes I’ve had a pretty good year so far, I have an amazing boyfriend, an awesome bestfriend and cool friends but I feel life is pointless. I’ve been smoking weed alot, and I mean ALOT! I love smoking but its came to the point where I know now the side effects. When I stop smoking for periods of time my depression hits harder than it has ever before, so does my suicidal thoughts, my internal well being just wants to give up. I feel emotionally and mentally drained and I’m not happy anymore. I feel trapped in a box and I don’t know who I am anymore, and I try and try to figure out who I am but I’m just lost, so lost, I don’t think I can ever find myself ever again. You may think I’m typing this shit and I’ll be fine but as I write this I feel like I’m not okay, this time its serious not just me blabbering on. Music used to save my life at these moments, I would blast Lady Gaga in my ears and feel instantly better but where is she?! WHERE IS SHE!!! Its like she vanished and that whole 6-7 years of my life was a dream. I feel abandoned, not myself. On top of that my past just haunts me more and more each and everyday, especially now that my ex a.k.a my first love is married and I just think to myself “Why him? Why does everyone else get to be happy and live an extraordinary life while I sit in the background, still hurt, still upset, still full of pain inside? I’ve had my share of unbelievable worst shit in my life, I’ve been raped, bullied, hurt on so many levels but I never get my chance at an extraordinary life?” Its bullshit really, I’ve came way toooooo far in life and yet things don’t go my way, ok sure I was a spoiled kid from my family but ever since I came out they treat me like shit, I rather be loved by my family than have everything in the world. I was really happy, especially because my boyfriend is amazing but why am I feeling so worthless? WHY! He’s going through the same thing as well, hes changing and Idk if its affecting the relationship but its definitely affecting me, he’s so angry all the time and his anxiety makes things worse and I’m scared. When he’s like this I can’t help but feel like that too, life is miserable right now and I just wish or hope for a solution for something to help me back up before I just finally give up.

(Source: anthonymonsterr)

Rialto the place that changed it all

When I first saw you, you were so big and I was so small

That hug you gave me meant so much

Being in your arms and feeling your touch

I never would have thought we would be so much more

Every time I think about it, it tickles my core

Your love is a drug I cannot deny

Every kiss, every moment gets me so high

I never thought I would love someone again

Thank god I found you out of all these men

You make me free, you make me soar

My feelings for you go beyond so much more

I’m so happy I’m your first love

Being with you is all I can think of

Your sexy smile and your beautiful hazel eyes

Each and everyday my feelings rise

The cute laugh you make when we get stoned

Just thinking about you makes me moan

You’re smart; you get me the list goes on

I hate being apart because my other half is gone

You’re my Edward Cullen I’m there for you whenever

Just like Twilight our love will go on Forever❤

Well to start off 2012 I started it off right by getting drunk as hell and puking at my girl Geenas, after that I hung out with my bestfriend at the time Michelle and got me a new haircut to start off the year. Basically spent the first 4 months with my two girl bestfriends at the time Geena and Michelle, then I started going to college in February for spring semester it was difficult but I got good grades, then I started hanging with my girl gabby and her friends after a whole long year of not seeing her! Then I got into a drug problem and was doing xanex and cc cans.On my birthday I hung out with my friend Isaac and his girls, thats when I met the most awesome chick ever Stephanie BOSS. After that I hit rock bottom and lost michelle as a friend after she got pregnant. After I met a new friend named Joe and took me to a gay club for the first time, it was club 340 and I actually liked it. I also started talking to a guy named Chris Porter, I hung out with my lesbian Allysa and my ex girl Tiffany, also Alex, Ashley Lindbeck took me to Rialto to see Chris, and that when we started dating. Along the way I went to six flags with my girl Davonia and my enemy Jabarus. Also chilled with Eddie and his best friend Anyssa everything was great especially cuz college was over and I was free. On June 2nd I met one guy who later changed my life named Isaias a.k.a Skeeter. We hung out alot and he became my bestfriend. I got into the party scene and hung out with skeeter and his crew alot, drank almost everyday with thirsty thursdays, ratchet fridays, slutty saturdays, and sinful sundays. I got my drivers license June 15th it was soo easy mainly because I kissed ass to the instructor. I met some chill guys thanks to skeeter, like Freddy and Jessica, Toonz, Karen, Angelica, Mercedes, and Mikey. After that I spent most of my time with my new crew and forgot most of my old friends (like they cared anyway). By that time Chris dumped me so I was heart broken and thats when I met #Oomf. During this time I was obsessed with twitter and still am thats where I spend most of my time. So I started dating #Oomf and that was horrible but it was fun kissing you under the fireworks on 4th of July ;). During that time bestfriend Skeeter went to Texas and I was a wreck so I hung out with some old friends to watch the Katy Perry movie. When Skeeter came back we had a humongous kickback and #oomf never showed up :/ so we were over with. I also met an unlikely fellow named Jeremy who was skeeters ex bestfriend, when he came in the picture I was replaced but not really and eventually drama started happening in the crew. Thats when things went downhill. I met some more cool people like Anthony Jimenez, Terrance, and Gio. I also started hanging out with more gay people eventually that was a bust because so much drama happened. So out of the blue my bestfriend Skeeter asked me out and it was crazy as hell but I enjoyed it for the time being. I cheated on him because I let people get to me. I never cheated in my life but I did it and faced the consequences. Eventually all the crew split up because of drama and fakeness and I got in my first fight ever too, I was drunk af too. After I started becoming a slut because I just didnt care anymore about myself, but I got back of my fight, I stopped talking to everyone, my phone contract was up and I was all alone. Skeeter and me started becoming closer again after he dumped me and we fell in love again. We didnt do anything about it and still arent, we belong as bestfriends. So I got a job!!! My first job at Super Target I was sooo excited and got my first paycheck and took Skeeter out to eat. Eventually I sucked all the poison out of my life and started talking to Chris again. Skeeter hated me for a brief period and I was hanging with my ex Corona and Boss. I love them and enjoyed their company. Chris and me started “talking” again and I introduced him to all my friends. Skeeter came back in my life again too. So I was working and partying at the same time it was hard but still did it. And it all lead up to this, Anthony Monster 4.0

(Source: anthonymonsterr)

Well to sum up 2011…it was the most life changing experience I went thru in my whole life. I finally stepped into the real world this year and it’s crazy. At the start I got in a relationship like in the very beginning of the year literally, I leaned how to drive, I graduated high school! I earned many friends, I’ve grown as a person, I got my drivers permit, I got heartbroken this year drastically, I been in major drama that I’ve never been in my whole life, I’ve added 20+ lady gaga songs to my musical library, I’ve learned who was true and who wasn’t, I came out to my family as bisexual, I got kicked out the house and lived with my lover at the time for a month it was craziness!! I had a sucky ass summer, I drank my first beer, vodka, tequila yu name it and my favorite jello shots, I attended my first parties, I smoked weed for the first time, smoked hookah, I broke my celibacy and became sexually active this year hahaha, I found out who my real dad is, and this year was all about transformation for 2012 I’ve learned , grown as a person and became so completely amazing and I love it and I’m gunna end it with this: No matter what happens, no matter wat I been thru I learned and did it all, I feel old already hahaha, I’ve realized my story became so big and I expect 2012 to be my year of amazingness I realized I was born this way and nothing is gunna stop, my journey of happiness was here for the first 6 months but I hit rock bottom like I never have before and it scared me, I drank, smoked, took drugs, and played with people’s hearts, I cried beyond compare this year, I realized I’m strong and brave and I have nothing else left to lose so I’m gunna do it all over again!! I’m gunna fuckken marry the year!!!!!!!!!!! Thank yu for everyone I have met and helped me become Anthony Monster!! This year is officially over for me….

Well to sum up 2010……i had a crazy junior year!! made alot of friends ughh ALOT!!! & lost sum, I started dating again this year and it was crazy I hav alot wisdom now about relationships, I went to Disneyland for the first time it was crazy, ima senior & almost about to start my life, 2010….. I was happy then sad but thats wat life is, its a rollercoaster ride! But im satisfied becuz theirs ppl that luv me & thats all that matters….LETS GO 2011!!! This year i’ll be 18 & ima partyy hard!!

Well to sum up 2009……….I got my permit, escaped options for youth, went bakk to regular school, Met Lady GaGa, pierced my lip, met a lot of ppl who became my besties, lost sum besties, 1 year anniversary with my PS3, to sum it all i failed my journey this year to be happy……..2010, will I be happy…….???

So I finally saw the last twilight movie last night. I was beyond tears and traumaztized and depressed, just sooo many emotions. But it’s finally over….which means theres nothing left to do. I learned every lesson from every movie…and finally I can be the perfect Anthony Monster I wanted to be for many years. 2013 I see a new me coming…just one more month. Along with that I lost alot of people this year, I don’t know who I am, or what I live for anymore….my whole life just turned. That cockiness I once had, that confidence, that ego I once had just disappeared. I don’t know what to do now but just live and learn. 2012 was supposed to be my year…turns out it was but not just mine, but Anthony Brito’s as well. I invested my whole summer into this guy named Isaias that I lost myself, he helped me with so much, he is a very wise man that will always have a place in my broken heart. I took his lessons and applied to my life as well. Now me and Anthony Brito can finally live as one. All I can do now…is move forward…I’ve been hurt way to much but less this year maybe because I went through the worse that now I can’t feel anything but numbness. I just can’t wait to see where I’ll be and what I’ll be and who I’ll be with in 2013. Anthony Monster forever.

(Source: anthonymonsterr.tumblr.coman)

that you do, somehow made me fall in love with you.

From the face you make when I scratch your head, or when we cuddle when I’m in your bed. When I make you a sandwich and you smile, to just being with you for a while. To massaging your back when you’re all tense, to saying stupid things that don’t make sense. From cruising in your car with the windows down, to holding you whenever you frown. Your features though are the best part, even though you’re insecure, you’re very smart. To how beautiful you look when you laugh, to how tall you are my big giraffe. Your sense of humor which makes me get you, like laughing when we watch Honey Boo Boo. Your luscious lips which make me stare, all the way up to your soft breezy hair. The way I feel when I’m with you, is like I’m unstoppable and brand new. I’m happy when you’re happy thats all I need, even when you hold my hand and you lead. I love when I kiss you, thats the best part, because of all these little things, you have my heart. <3

-Anthony Monster

(Source: anthonymonsterr)